He requires that I be humble and still in these days at home which I've found to be the most difficult. The first week back home has been most unpleasant because other than seeing the same home I've been away from for the past four years, I come home to find my pride, my bitterness, my selfishness, and my anger that have been stored away. In these past 7 days, God has called me back home to confront these things and it hasn't been pleasant because I faced it all at once. It was like looking myself in the mirror, asking myself, "Surely, I have grown to know Jesus' patience, gentleness, and humility in which He had urged me to learn from. Surely, I am different. But surely, I am still in need of Him in this time for I have a feeling there are deep, deep things at home that have been neglected or pushed aside out of my own sin, insecurities, and hurt. But I have found hope and He is for me." I have come back to find my mom's hurt but even as I picked her up from work tonight, I was given a new understanding. I saw not a woman that always seems to just be there at home, but a mom that still carried joy from the Lord on the inside and looks forward to coming home to have dinner with her daughter.
I followed this car home once while I was still in Austin, near the day I left for home in Houston.
I've seen hundreds of bumper stickers and window stickers over my life time, I'm sure. This one seemed to pride, or humbly proclaim, the value of family. This one struck me to the heart. It hurt, for some reason. Because that moment I knew it was God speaking to me. I sort of forsaw at that moment that the road that leads to life is narrow but a necessary one. All the patient, love, and wisdom God has bestowed unto me over the past four years and sustained in my heart, he wanted it to be displayed at home. To my mom. And all those I escaped from or have ignored. Escaped and ignored for they were too big for me to handle, or too emotionally draining for me to process. Or simply because I was not matured enough to healthily rise up above it.
I've seen hundreds of glossy stickers, but this one, at that moment, was profound. This is a calling. Family is everything. Right now. It's everything to Him that I would return home. So therefore return home with all your heart, mind, and strength.
Even more so, I find that He is constantly calling me home. To Houston, to make room in my heart where the Spirit of God can dwell and makes Himself home. To heaven, where there will no longer be tears, hurt, or pain. No more misunderstandings, guilt, accusations, and lies. Just love. In all His glory.
Stunning. Home can be the most difficult place to be, Mags, for sure. We're forced to confront demons that we've been able to put off in college. My dear, what a high calling! I pray that God give you the strength, peace, patience, and comfort you need everyday, as you find God, right where you need it most. I will be looking to you for insight, when I go "home" to Taiwan or Texas. While it might be blood, sweat and tears, I pray for times of deep growth, spontaneous moments of worship, and new eyes for a rooted fondness and appreciation for home, and those around you.
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