It wasn't until these few months since I returned home, I realized how much my dad had an influence on me. Though much more by his absence than his presence, it was the first time I have come to terms that his absence meant a lot more to me than I thought it would. It meant a lot more to me than I wanted it to.
Being home has given me time to face this reality. Being home has made me face something I don't like to admit to.
I am like Eve. I run away. I hide. On top of that, I ignore. I ignore the places I don't have enough strength to go. I ignore where I feel like it's too much for my heart to hold.
After being home day in and day out for quite some time, I started to wonder if I really saw and felt home as a place of refuge. Things in this house belonged to my mom and I, but sometimes I don't feel like it's home. Maybe my definition of home is different. Whatever that may be, I am grateful for this shelter- this roof over my head. I pray for this space daily, though not because this is some mystified thing. But praying for our homes is in a way wanting to bless the people that might one day come by. It is a joy. Sometimes it is one of the first things on my mind when I wake up. That God's peace would be present. That it would be a place where, maybe one day, people can gather here, fellowship, give praise, and laugh about how a God so full of perfection gives us even a bit of attention. And really fellowship. A place where God's presence is obvious, which mainly is his peace. We are God's hands and feet. Given our work lives and social lives, we will most likely meet others as we go out. We always carry things with us: our emotions, our opinions, our beliefs, our temperament, our past, our hopes. Peace is something we don't think much about. But I really think it makes all the difference.
Honestly though, this is what I feel about home. As much peace and protection we pray over our homes, families, and friends, it's home, but never home. At least not yet.
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Last stanza from Farther Along by Josh Garrels
And one day when the sky rolls back on us
Some rejoice and the others fuss
Cause every knee must bow and tongue confess
That the son of god is forever blessed
His is the kingdom, we’re the guests
So put your voice up to the test
Sing Lord, come soon
