So as I see pictures on Facebook the birthday parties my friend throws for orphaned children. I ask God, when? When will it be me that you will have me serve you in that capacity? I want to see the lame walk, to see the sick healed, to see the anxious find peace in You. When, where, how, what do I need to do?

Because I feel my heart struggling not to compromise, yet I don't know exactly where to turn. 

Then You reminded of something that came out of my heart over 2 years ago.

"I don't want to know my calling better than I know the One who called me."

Yet this is exactly what I feel like I'm trying to do now. I started a search to figure out what my life is worth doing for. It became stressful and more than often discouraging.

And you tell me first and foremost that I am Your daughter. A child of the King. Why does it sound so cliche? Yet I know and remember that the cliche sayings, when taken seriously, are among the most powerful things said on earth.

It seems like the few chapters I've read in the book The New Friars are yet again putting into words what my heart has been tossing and turning over. Feeling a call to live alongside the poor while going through a heart-wrenching process of trying to get my mom on board so that I may have her blessing.

The time I asked God to lead me where to go and he gives me ample amount of times "Micah 6:8" would come up in conversations or the not-so-random posters on the wall of my  second grade Sunday School class.

What do I do with all of this? I used to be so much more confident to take the next step.

I ask him once again about this whole thing and God says to me, "I want this to be where there is not." And by 'this', I knew he meant the worshipping on guitar, creative ideas, teaching sunday school, or anything of sort that would make him known. And I do not argue that that is his heart. To be made known as hope and Saviour to places and people that have yet to hear about this Love.

I read over the passage where Jesus said to care for the least of these. For caring for the least of these is doing it unto Christ Himself. I'm hoping to teach in a juvenile center soon and I'm really glad I was reminded to pursue Him first. That intimacy with Him is what will sustain me. I'm realizing more and more that I'm forgetful. But now I remember to not to chase after a calling that would deem me worthy and humble in the eyes of man. Because even that is empty if I am not fixed on Christ alone.

what does the straight and narrow look like 20 or 30 years from now? for those who have really been walking with the Spirit and abiding in Him?

all i have are loaves and fishes

What is a family without its people? What is a community without its individuals?

It wasn't until these few months since I returned home, I realized how much my dad had an influence on me.  Though much more by his absence than his presence, it was the first time I have come to terms that his absence meant a lot more to me than I thought it would.  It meant a lot more to me than I wanted it to.

Being home has given me time to face this reality.  Being home has made me face something I don't like to admit to.

I am like Eve.  I run away.  I hide.  On top of that, I ignore. I ignore the places I don't have enough strength to go. I ignore where I feel like it's too much for my heart to hold.

After being home day in and day out for quite some time, I started to wonder if I really saw and felt home as a place of refuge. Things in this house belonged to my mom and I, but sometimes I don't feel like it's home.  Maybe my definition of home is different.  Whatever that may be, I am grateful for this shelter- this roof over my head.  I pray for this space daily, though not because this is some mystified thing. But praying for our homes is in a way wanting to bless the people that might one day come by. It is a joy. Sometimes it is one of the first things on my mind when I wake up.  That God's peace would be present.  That it would be a place where, maybe one day, people can gather here, fellowship, give praise, and laugh about how a God so full of perfection gives us even a bit of attention. And really fellowship. A place where God's presence is obvious, which mainly is his peace. We are God's hands and feet.  Given our work lives and social lives, we will most likely meet others as we go out. We always carry things with us: our emotions, our opinions, our beliefs, our temperament, our past, our hopes.  Peace is something we don't think much about. But I really think it makes all the difference.

Honestly though, this is what I feel about home.  As much peace and protection we pray over our homes, families, and friends, it's home, but never home.  At least not yet.

----

Last stanza from Farther Along by Josh Garrels

And one day when the sky rolls back on us
Some rejoice and the others fuss
Cause every knee must bow and tongue confess
That the son of god is forever blessed
His is the kingdom, we’re the guests
So put your voice up to the test
Sing Lord, come soon

I am nothing without You Lord.  Please don't ever let me think otherwise!! Amen.

God's pursuit of us will outlasts all our efforts to pursue him in our lifetime.

Heart, it's time to believe again.  It's time to fall in love again.

God, help my unbelief.  Only You can turn my heart from stone to flesh.

--

Also, found a gem today.

https://vimeo.com/94302441

There are times where I hate it that it's as if I have to chase time zones around, and can't catch up, to have a simple conversation with you.  I really don't like that we talk to each other like some familiar strangers, but it's the only way we know how right now.  But I will try.  I will do everything to honor and respect you. I will treasure each broken English sentence you try so hard to assemble.  I will look at each photo you send over FB and Whatsapp long enough to see the lines on your face, so that I might know what's been weighing on your shoulders and share your load.
Miss you.  Happy early birthday, 哥哥.