If our hearts don't have anything that it breaks for, there are still roads to tread between God's heart and our own. We must press in until we arrive there. Likewise, if our hearts don't have anything to hope for at the moment when tragedy and trials present themselves, it could only mean that there is a distance of sort in which we must walk, with the Spirit, to get closer to God's heart. It is crucial. This is especially for those who say they want to be or are a praying community. For those who have chosen to stand in the gap for others through prayer, perhaps the depth of both shall only increase together, until hope is all there is left.

--Entry from mid December 2014

My spirit grieves tonight as I recognize the disciplines I have neglected and failed to keep up. I grieve for a reason beyond this; it is the people I have neglected as a result. As a result of not having spent time in the Word, and carefully upholding it as the Bread of Life, I have as a result lost a kind of sensitivity and urgency of the saving grace of God and His will for his people. Lost touch with his purpose- to seek and save the lost. I felt the times where I have grieved the Spirit. I had just begun to read The Journals of Jim Elliot a few days ago. Even in his early entries it is evident how deep his convictions were. This neglect of the time spent with Him has led me to a perpetual state of rambling prayers that sort of, and sort of didn't, come from my heart. Deep down in me, I know sort-of's just do not, and will not, make the mark. Like Hendricks writes in his book, it is a sort of prayer that comes from someone who is "catching up on his prayer life, and scrapes the Milky Way and takes a tour of the mission field and reviews his theology." Which, he states the probability that Peter would've gone 20 feet under water had he prayed that prayer in the moment he was sinking into the water, as supposed to saying "the most beautifully concise prayer in the Bible: 'Lord, save me.'"

I grieved yet again as I read Amy's blog. She wrote of a few beautiful memories and stories of those on the streets of NY she had once ministered to. Those she mentioned have all past away as of today. I grieve as I think of many people on the streets do possibly die without anyone knowing their names, and particularly for those of whom with genuine desires for change in their struggles and brokenness, yet lacked the strength through the love of a friend to make that first step. There has never been anything as fulfilling than having met Chuck, Pyro, James, and others I have met when I was in Austin and SF. I grieved because I had forgotten how beautiful are the feet of those who bring the good news. I grieved because there has been little people, like those whom Amy ministers to in NY, to boast and honor lately. How long will they remain nameless? The only comfort I find in this is knowing that the Lord knows even the numbers on their head. But there must be something in us encountering these people, and obeying Him in this way, that the Lord saw was necessary as part of his redemptive plan for the world.

Lord, I only ask that you teach me, once again, to see with your heart. I do not want to see more familiar strangers whom I know you've moved my heart to love, yet I only stand, or drive by, in a distance. You are not a God of distance.

In this year and a half, I fear that I have watched my heart grown more lukewarm. For reasons that I have swept away or built walls to keep out.

Does my heart still know You well?

Perfect love drives out fear.

---
John 14

15 “If you love me, keep my commands. 16 And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever— 17 the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be[c] in you. 18 I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.19 Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. 20 On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you. 21 Whoever has my commands and keeps them is the one who loves me. The one who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love them and show myself to them.”

22 Then Judas (not Judas Iscariot) said, “But, Lord, why do you intend to show yourself to us and not to the world?”

23 Jesus replied, “Anyone who loves me will obey my teaching. My Father will love them, and we will come to them and make our home with them. 24 Anyone who does not love me will not obey my teaching. These words you hear are not my own; they belong to the Father who sent me.

25 “All this I have spoken while still with you. 26 But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. 27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

28 “You heard me say, ‘I am going away and I am coming back to you.’ If you loved me, you would be glad that I am going to the Father, for the Father is greater than I. 29 I have told you now before it happens, so that when it does happen you will believe. 30 I will not say much more to you, for the prince of this world is coming. He has no hold over me,31 but he comes so that the world may learn that I love the Father and do exactly what my Father has commanded me.

“Come now; let us leave.

So as I see pictures on Facebook the birthday parties my friend throws for orphaned children. I ask God, when? When will it be me that you will have me serve you in that capacity? I want to see the lame walk, to see the sick healed, to see the anxious find peace in You. When, where, how, what do I need to do?

Because I feel my heart struggling not to compromise, yet I don't know exactly where to turn. 

Then You reminded of something that came out of my heart over 2 years ago.

"I don't want to know my calling better than I know the One who called me."

Yet this is exactly what I feel like I'm trying to do now. I started a search to figure out what my life is worth doing for. It became stressful and more than often discouraging.

And you tell me first and foremost that I am Your daughter. A child of the King. Why does it sound so cliche? Yet I know and remember that the cliche sayings, when taken seriously, are among the most powerful things said on earth.

It seems like the few chapters I've read in the book The New Friars are yet again putting into words what my heart has been tossing and turning over. Feeling a call to live alongside the poor while going through a heart-wrenching process of trying to get my mom on board so that I may have her blessing.

The time I asked God to lead me where to go and he gives me ample amount of times "Micah 6:8" would come up in conversations or the not-so-random posters on the wall of my  second grade Sunday School class.

What do I do with all of this? I used to be so much more confident to take the next step.

I ask him once again about this whole thing and God says to me, "I want this to be where there is not." And by 'this', I knew he meant the worshipping on guitar, creative ideas, teaching sunday school, or anything of sort that would make him known. And I do not argue that that is his heart. To be made known as hope and Saviour to places and people that have yet to hear about this Love.

I read over the passage where Jesus said to care for the least of these. For caring for the least of these is doing it unto Christ Himself. I'm hoping to teach in a juvenile center soon and I'm really glad I was reminded to pursue Him first. That intimacy with Him is what will sustain me. I'm realizing more and more that I'm forgetful. But now I remember to not to chase after a calling that would deem me worthy and humble in the eyes of man. Because even that is empty if I am not fixed on Christ alone.

what does the straight and narrow look like 20 or 30 years from now? for those who have really been walking with the Spirit and abiding in Him?

all i have are loaves and fishes

What is a family without its people? What is a community without its individuals?

It wasn't until these few months since I returned home, I realized how much my dad had an influence on me.  Though much more by his absence than his presence, it was the first time I have come to terms that his absence meant a lot more to me than I thought it would.  It meant a lot more to me than I wanted it to.

Being home has given me time to face this reality.  Being home has made me face something I don't like to admit to.

I am like Eve.  I run away.  I hide.  On top of that, I ignore. I ignore the places I don't have enough strength to go. I ignore where I feel like it's too much for my heart to hold.

After being home day in and day out for quite some time, I started to wonder if I really saw and felt home as a place of refuge. Things in this house belonged to my mom and I, but sometimes I don't feel like it's home.  Maybe my definition of home is different.  Whatever that may be, I am grateful for this shelter- this roof over my head.  I pray for this space daily, though not because this is some mystified thing. But praying for our homes is in a way wanting to bless the people that might one day come by. It is a joy. Sometimes it is one of the first things on my mind when I wake up.  That God's peace would be present.  That it would be a place where, maybe one day, people can gather here, fellowship, give praise, and laugh about how a God so full of perfection gives us even a bit of attention. And really fellowship. A place where God's presence is obvious, which mainly is his peace. We are God's hands and feet.  Given our work lives and social lives, we will most likely meet others as we go out. We always carry things with us: our emotions, our opinions, our beliefs, our temperament, our past, our hopes.  Peace is something we don't think much about. But I really think it makes all the difference.

Honestly though, this is what I feel about home.  As much peace and protection we pray over our homes, families, and friends, it's home, but never home.  At least not yet.

----

Last stanza from Farther Along by Josh Garrels

And one day when the sky rolls back on us
Some rejoice and the others fuss
Cause every knee must bow and tongue confess
That the son of god is forever blessed
His is the kingdom, we’re the guests
So put your voice up to the test
Sing Lord, come soon

I am nothing without You Lord.  Please don't ever let me think otherwise!! Amen.

God's pursuit of us will outlasts all our efforts to pursue him in our lifetime.

Heart, it's time to believe again.  It's time to fall in love again.

God, help my unbelief.  Only You can turn my heart from stone to flesh.

--

Also, found a gem today.

https://vimeo.com/94302441

There are times where I hate it that it's as if I have to chase time zones around, and can't catch up, to have a simple conversation with you.  I really don't like that we talk to each other like some familiar strangers, but it's the only way we know how right now.  But I will try.  I will do everything to honor and respect you. I will treasure each broken English sentence you try so hard to assemble.  I will look at each photo you send over FB and Whatsapp long enough to see the lines on your face, so that I might know what's been weighing on your shoulders and share your load.
Miss you.  Happy early birthday, 哥哥.

I wonder, sometimes, if songs sung from the deepest valley sound sweeter to the Lord's ear?

good to be learning so freely again.  the hiatus i took my heart had just been in a war.  at times with my strength wearing off. at times it would be strengthened.   i've missed hearing from Him with such assurance.  thank You.  i love this freedom to worship and love and learn. it's what we're made to do.  do not cast me away from Your presence.

----

contrary to what a lot of us might feel when we see a cop on the road, i realize lately I feel extremely safe when i see one though they might be hiding or feel like they're out to catch us. it's as if i've come to an understanding that we're supposed to live in a city in harmony in justice, together. our dear policemen play their part. we play ours. 

but i know that feeling. the moment we see a police car.  we check our speedometers. we check our lights. we check everything and anything and suddenly you doubt everything that's going right even though you know you didn't commit a crime.  you know, just in case.  those times where suddenly i feel like i have everything illegal in my trunk or just hanging out my window.  and then i assure myself that i don't and just feel silly afterwards.

but it's funny.  the ones we get anxious about we know they're the ones we call when something happens in our home or wherever we are.  in the end we know they're the good guys.  we trust them. we hope they'll justly take care of car wrecks and burglaries.  they are ambassors of justice. a costly weight but most rewarding and utmost necessary.

i wonder people feel when they see an ambulance.

i felt incredibly safe driving home with one following me earlier this morning. i was so in the moment i actually drove slower. then i was going 40 on a 45 so he switched lanes and went ahead of me.  i was a bit bummed.  but while they were behind me, at that moment the Lord spoke to me saying that i have angels protecting you. He assured me in my spirit that He is watching not over over me but that every step He is behind me.  If anything would've happened in that 5 minutes I had left on the road, aid would come my way.  this is what being in His family is like.  i felt empowered at that moment. to move forward to go wherever he goes.  He has never left and never will.

but i remember also, that these police ambulance drivers, and paramedics- they have families. They are part of one. they are someone's father, husband, brother, or son. #prayforthoseonHishearttoday