From June of 2014.

Once again, their names are written on the front page.  Once again, the pixels on the screen make up an image that words are not enough to justify of the injustice and tragic that has taken place, and the unraveling of what will be required to mend it all.

I have been volunteering with an amazing group of people joined together with their compassion for refugees.  Today, in a mere 4 hours (in addition to the many hours put in to prepare), World Refugee Day was celebrated in Houston.  I met people from Congo, as they offered me cassava, with a joy as obvious as their smiles against their dark skin.

I volunteered as an administrator for the temporary shelter simulation for some time, and I got to speak with a few refugees and others who have physically helped some families who were once held in the strict refugee camp environment.

As I said good-byes to the 2 volunteers I had been with, the woman was sharing with me how it was still hard for her to play her role, as someone who hasn't really been through the experience.  She shared how knowing someone's reality, only in a general sense, just simply cannot equate to if this life was her own reality.

There are so many more stories. So many still making their way to preserve their life...Lord be their rod and staff.

It is undeniable that there will always be those moments in our lives that leave a more lasting impression when compared to others.  Maybe that moment had an extra dose of hope or humor. Other times memorable for other reasons.  At this very moment, without giving it much thought at this time of the night, I don't know how it all comes together really.  Sometimes it does get quite tiring trying to think about it all and figuring out what part God has for me to play, just to make sure i have a part to play.

Memory is a funny thing. Let me be satisfied in You.

Wouldn't days be lived differently, more fully with Him if we only realize that there won't be another day like today for his mercy is anew?

I recall the moments my old roommate and friend would discuss about the questions they wrestle with. And I sat there one time listening to them talk about how they don't understand evil in this world and there I was struck that I haven't even thought about this to their degree of zeal and passion. I was convicted about how little I cared about reconciliation in this life time. I became silent. My heart churned. I wrestled with God in my heart.

Cure for Indecisiveness.

I am indecisive. I think others can testify too if they get to know me in this season of life. It's not a quality I particularly like, and it is definitely something I want to change. maybe it's a holy and sanctifying discontentment that causes me to want to rid of this habit, thought process, or decision-making process. Whatever you have it.

I asked the Lord to reveal my heart about this. And i was led to this conclusion for the time being.

I am comforted and humbled as he did. in my indecision, he sees my heart deep down. I am stumbling and tumbling, picking my feet up by his hand as I try not to make any hasty decision. There are tim we s when wisdom calls for a timely decision. But in this season, i want to be tested in my dependence on my will, my heart, and my dependence. I do not want to make a hasty decision and instead want to get in a habit of acknowledging the Lord in my decisions, especially those that will affect how aligned my heart will be to his. And I want to be sanctified in this day to day. I desire His peace. Because while the rest of this world is living in fear, many from wandering, and many more by oppression, we need to be the ones to show the world that Christ, the One whom we love because He loved us first, is the Prince of Peace, and he has come to save. And has overcome the world. Are we ready to stand our grounds in love in face of fear? Or stand in the gap, or intercede, for another living in despair and fear?

Wake your church up once again to the reality of our world and the reality of who You are today.

http://www.theguardian.com/world/ng-interactive/2015/sep/04/syrian-refugees-pack-for-the-crossing-to-europe-crisis

in the in-between

Is this another "in-between"?

This stage of life where friends my age have broken out of the college life. We have grasped, and perhaps are still trying to grasp, the next step in this career stage of life. Trying to sustain, secure, ground ourselves in what we believe is ourselves. The self, that has been formulated by God, by our peers, by our family, by strangers... Many go into this post-college stage with confidence. Many more go in with questions. Even when some stability arises, some time after, uncertainty still rises up. All—which I believe—are for good, tough, challenging, and necessary reasons to stretch us and give us space to mature.

The question I find myself asking now is, "What am I supposed to do in this time? How do I relate to these people now?"

Here are the friends I have grown to love since college. That tight pocket of time where we lived and breathed the same air and shared the same meals even. Now every time we gather, the times spent are often connected with someone's milestone in life. There are more and more things to catch up on. And there are times where I feel like I have less and less words to share. But my understanding that life is tough journey lavished with His grace has never been as evident.  I remember praying for my friends when we all first went our separate ways. Then the realization comes when I can no longer play as much of a role in their lives as before. It was a cold hard truth, and one I truly did miss. But even that the Lord is teaching me to let go and entrust. Sometimes the deepest growth in others needs to happen when it's out of our hands but in His.

I have been reading Ecclesiastes 3. Little did I know the Lord is unfolding this before me right before my eyes.

"Teach me Your ways, o God."

thoughts on Feb 3rd post

In the brief past year and a half, I have been given many titles. I was a program associate, a teller, a photographer, an editor, a videographer, a graphic designer, a stranger, a friend, a teacher, a missionary, a student, a daughter, a sister, and most recently, a Marketing Media Specialist. Today, all of those still reside in me to some degree. The titles I hold closest to my heart are some of God's profound work of reconciliation in my life. 

We all take many different roles. And just as Andy (the author to an excerpt in my february post) said, these "will be the most fleeting thing" about us. And just like Steve, I hope that I would be remembered by how I have lived my all and how I've made the people that I have encountered, no matter where I was in life, feel loved, known, and heard. I wish more people told me a life that was precisely like that will require a thing called making sacrifices. Perhaps I would've been more aware of it then. I think many who have gone before me knew of this.  Even so, how I hope people will see my heart in the future, that is entirely up to how I choose to live my life for the Lord today. My life, I reckon, is ultimately the sum of the days I have now. All of which leads to God, who is the Alpha and Omega. In the words of Brooke Fraser's The Hymn, "You are the sum/You are the One". 

Whoever first described life as a journey was probably correct. For those who have the fortune, they get to carry a few things with them at the start of the journey. Overtime, no matter who we are, we pick up new things along the way. For those who grow wise, they learn the pleasure of laying things down. And as we grow, we learn to let go of things by choice in order to pick up the things we deem more worthy to carry, no matter the cost.

When we think about our purposes and callings on earth, I do agree it is to bear the image and restore the image in the world. The question remains is: How do we reflect that our Father in heaven is someone who knows each and every single person by name? That has to change the way we encounter people, doesn't it?

From the radio, I heard teachings of the Samaritan extending compassion to a fallen enemy by the roadside. It was something despicable. Samaritans hated the Jews, and the Jews hated Samaritans. It had been an age old strife. Neither side should have had any business with one another. But a bridge was crossed, when one really saw, and not just looked, the other who was robbed, beaten, and rendered helpless.

The next time I look around, I pray that I am able to continuously see people deeply again. To know pain and call it out. To know beauty through my relationship with Christ, and be called out. To know God's joy and pleasures forevermore as I rest in his presence.

What does it look like to make the most of whatever is given to us today? 

--

This past Sunday, a few friends of mine were leaving church as we looked for lost keys. I saw Rick walk in the opposite direction towards Phase I. Something in me urged me to say hello. The next 30 minutes that followed were like water to my parched soul as he shared about his recent trip to Western China. The encouragement he witnessed and gave, the songs and testimonies him and his group shared.... The light in his eyes as he was sharing his experience and his joy with the three of us.... surely where his heart is is not somewhere where moth and dust can go, steal, and destroy.  No, it was something far more eternal and valuable.

hear my prayer

To fear You, and not men.

To decrease, that You may increase.

To serve You by serving one another with humility that overflows from abiding in You.

To be still, and know that You are God.

To bring to You what I do not understand, yet trust You with every bits of it.

To bring to You my fears and insecurities, when I do not feel competent to carry out what You have entrusted me.

"Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." Ps 139:23-24

A rush of thoughts come to my mind when yet another Amber Alert went off during dinner last night. A knot formed in my stomach. I wish it wasn't so. Fear strikes another family and another's safety is in the dark.

These fears found in the heart of the cities, in the hearts of my friends, in the heart of my own home has made my heart heavy lately. To stand in the gap is of greatest privilege yet it is not without a cost. I have only learned to put my life in Christ and on everything that he promises for I know he is faithful.

In the words of Isaiah recorded in Chapter 58:

“If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
    with the pointing finger and malicious talk,
10 and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
    and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
    and your night will become like the noonday.
11 The Lord will guide you always;
    he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
    and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
    like a spring whose waters never fail.
12 Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins
    and will raise up the age-old foundations;
you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls,
    Restorer of Streets with Dwellings."

For Him and for them,
Maggie

I felt it again as I drove on the highway in the night having just completed my first photography crash course at the juvenile probation center as an instructor. I haven't felt that breaking of the heart for a long time but there it was again.  Shortly after I had turned out of the center I drove past adult shops on my right. Soon after, I drove past a homeless man crouched under the bridge. As I made my way to the highway I was overwhelmed by how within a minute of time I had crossed from a probation center with hallways of locked doors with metal hinges to the outside world where I could easily just grab a cup of coffee, sit underneath the stars, and travel to wherever I had the means to help me get to. I thought about the wrongs done to the kids in the centers. I thought about the injustices those kids had to witness and became a part of. I saw it in their eyes. Some kids have already seen too much. They've been angry, they've been hurt, they've been let down. They've been afraid.

Who will root for these kids? God, please move here. Teach me how to stand in the gap.

Entry from 1.25.15

"So lift your voice just one more time
If there’s any hope may it be a sign
That everything was made to shine
Despite what you can see
So take this bread and drink this wine
And hide your spirit within the vine
Where all things will work by a good design
For those who will believe"

-Beyond the Blue by Josh Garrels

Praying this over the refugee community tonight. Pray over each and every women I've met through The Community Cloth tonight. 

----

I am thankful for night like this. Should the Lord choose to speak to me in the wee hours of the night still, I am here to stay and listen.

Tend to what is important, and not what is just urgent. In the light of all the tragedies and demands of needs in this world, I can only reckon that God, perfect in love, mercy, and justice, is in control. Or else perhaps restoration and healing would happen more often. We would perhaps foresee the ending of wars, planes lost would be found sooner, Amber Alerts wouldn't be the first thing that wakes me up in the morning before the day breaks. This morning, yet again, I was struck with sorrow that leads me to bury my face in my pillow to lift another "Amber" up in prayer. One is already one too many. Every good thing would've happened a lot quicker. Right? He is in control.

Yet still, He has won me over.

This race is a long and treacherous one. But one that is worth running and admitting our need for Him on every step for. The key is abiding and being steadfast. There is absolutely no fruit from the branches that do not abide. Just as most plants need continuous nutrients and water to grow and would wilt if it's deprived of sunlight/water/connection to its roots, we need to stay rooted and connected for healthy, abundant growth.

What God promises us isn't made just for safety and comfort. When he promises us that he will be with us until the end of the age, that he goes before us, that he is for us, that he will never leave or forsake us, that we need not to be afraid...I think about what all that is to face in this life that requires this kind of protection and assurance. The fullness of Him is seen in giving us our all. I must decrease and He must increase. The question that remains is that how much of His fullness does my heart yearn to witness and long for others to know? 

I have grown less eloquent in my words for one reason or another, but here I express in words of what I am reminded of again tonight: God's love for me and the world is as true and strong as the very first day He created it.  When He first created Adam and Eve. I wonder what their "First Look" was like?

Just got caught off track with a heart-warming McDonald's Pay With Love commercial. 

Wandered upon 1 Kings 19:

Elijah, when the Spirit woke him up and told him to eat and had enough strength to go on for forty day and nights. He still ended up staying in a cave. But it was where he stayed until he heard God in a whisper. I wonder if that whisper made the wind, the shaking, the fire obsolete to Elijah.

It has been hard to escape some thoughts lately: that life is short. Some lessons take some time to learn. Every community and life that I've gotten into is a privilege to hold in my heart. Every shoe I've had the chance to walk in by understanding or experience, are those God has entrusted me with. This is all His grace. There is so much brokenness in the world. I am not the first person to realize this. I see face to face, day to day, as I work in the bank how we toil through our lives. It makes me asks the question of "Is this it for those who haven't met Christ?" How can some people say that they're just over this thing called Christianity? Perhaps that very person that has led me to make this generalization just meant the ministries he was a part of when he was in college. Word for college ministries: teach and love your brother and your sister.  Build your ministries around walking alongside each other as they grow in their identity and calling in Christ. Build something in their hearts and pray that the Word of God will take root in a way where it won't just be something they'll one day just be "over it". God never just gets "over us" either. 

---

Excerpt from The Three Callings of a Christian written by Andy Crouch:

On Saturday my friend and mentor Steve Hayner died at age 66 of complications from pancreatic cancer. Steve was one of the healthiest people I have ever met in every sense—emotionally, spiritually, physically. He had uncountable contingent blessings and served in all kinds of contingent ways as a pastor, professor, leader, and board member. No one made more of today than Steve. When he was suddenly diagnosed with cancer less than a year ago, he was very much in the middle of a significant assignment as president of a major institution, with much work left to be done, humanly speaking, and to all appearances the “calling” to do it. But all that was merely contingent—it could be otherwise, it was deeply dependent on myriad factors beyond any of our control, and now it is over.

But what really matters about Steve’s life is that wherever he went and whatever he did, he was an image bearer and image restorer. And he was so to his very last breath, as the family and friends who were closest to him can tell you. Very few people came away from even the briefest encounter with Steve, even very near the end of his life, without feeling loved, known, and heard.

At the end of this month many of us who knew him will gather to remember him and thank God for his life. We will talk very little, I suspect, about what he did—in that sense, Steve’s “vocation,” in the ordinary sense of the word, will be the most fleeting thing about him. What we will talk about is who he was, and who we are because we were touched by him. At the heart of the service will be the family that nurtured him and that was nurtured by him, and surrounding them will be Steve’s “first family,” the church.

We will sing, pray, grieve, and rejoice, and then we will go out to our calling: to bear the image and restore the image in the world, making the most of whatever is given us today. That is all, and that is more than enough.

"We are torn between nostalgia for the familiar and an urge for the foreign and strange. As often as not, we are homesick most for the places we have never known." - Carson Mccullers

I wonder if anyone else has ever questioned in words similar in one way or another, honestly, where God is trying to get at? Do people question the Why's? Sometimes it seems like no one is asking. No where feels like a safe place to raise this question recently. Someone will have a strong opinion or no opinion. Then I feel like I am left intimidated or empty. But perhaps it is the way the Lord has it for me now. There is only one safe place that my heart knows with certainty. He is the only safe place I can bring my why's and how's. I rest in this tonight.

Have I lost honor, if I question You? If I question You and wonder what Your purpose is in this trial?

Have I loved You less this past year? It grieves my spirit to think about how there is a great reality that I have loved You less than before. I know there is no guilt and condemnation in You, but I can't help but feel a kind of sorrow. I've never felt a distance from You. I just know you measure, perhaps success, by my love for You and those you love.

1 Cor 13:8

"Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away."

I was working on my desktop just yesterday as I heard my mom chuckle at something she was watching on her tablet. Some reason, that moment sounded sweeter than all the other times I've heard her laugh at a Youtube video. I walked on over with great sentiment and a sudden thought came up in my head with a kind of peace-filled clarity. 

There will be a day where He will lead me away from this comfort.

I think I have a slight idea to what the Spirit was trying to prepare me for. He has always been good at that. His words always come through a tender whisper.

no matter how hard you try to avoid it,
the Lord never forgets about the needs that need to be taken cared of in the heart.

some thing I realized is that He cares about my hurt a lot more than I do.
I think I've gotten too tired, though. I've been there before and His grace helped me fight through it every time.

Maybe in life God gives us the portion of strength enough for a trial and once we know it and becomes victorious over it, that strength we had to go through that trial becomes the threshold of the next trial. Then we become stronger and stronger- the more we lean on Him longer and longer.

Jehovah-jireh.

I think if it were possible, it'd be interesting to create a timeline that shows the moment when every person I've ever met first enter my life. I wonder if I'll be surprised at how perfect God orchestrated them into my life. I wonder what I'll think when I see those who stayed in touched with me long enough to pick me up when I've tripped up and when I've gotten weary. I wonder what I'll think and feel about the names I'd see starting to fade away. I hope I'll see those whom God had brought near to me, and reveal to me if I had received them well, along with those that I was too blinded or too busy to have recognized them. I wonder what I'll think about when I look at the brevity of 100 years spanned out before me. It certainly makes me recognize that every encounter is precious and is as meaningful as we make it. The things that people advise for those who are younger about loving boldly---I'm starting to see the reason behind it. And it certainly makes me realize that I need to and want to be always sensitive to the Spirit so that I may love most genuinely and not dismiss any chance to minister to someone.

Praise the Lord!